Kerry, Like four hundred pounds of swine Bloated florid-coloured Kerry that's the way you were Scattered bodies, All the friends you had to buy, Smiling while you sold their children, that's the way you were...
Dear John,
Things are going from good to great here at The Front. We have wrested
control of the country from the enemy. In doing so, we have also taken the
hearts and minds of the people. The enemy rarely show their faces anymore: a
testament to the might of our arms and proof that The Lord is on our side.
It is with a heavy heart, I must advise you that Major B. A. MacLaren has been
lost. He set out on a fishing trip on the morning of Sunday December 26th.
Not long afterwards, the great wave hit the shoreline. We all well know the
mighty man that he is. I pray that he lives yet and will find his way back to
living lands to continue his mission from on high.
It is thought that his boy may also have been aboard the expedition.
The infamous Hendrix Lodge has been destroyed utterly - surely a judgement
from The Almighty that perversion will not be permitted in God's Country.
I am told that a large group of dozy hippies were swept from the beach, where
they were lazing after an all night revel. The area is scattered with kaftans,
which the locals believe is the first time these garments have ever been washed.
I ask you and all your readers to pray for The Major in his hour of need.
Although you and he may not always have seen eye to eye, I ask that you and
yours pray for his deliverance. Send him succor so that he may once again walk
amongst us.
Yours in God,
Josiah.
It has taken us a few days to confirm, but we believe the message is genuine, in spite of the first paragraph, which bears no relation to the reality of Iraq. I have no idea who The Major's "boy" may be, but our prayers are with him, and all the others lost in this tragedy (with the obvious exception of Major B. A. MacLaren). 
Only the good die young. This week God saw fit to cast down one of natures' true bastards. Ronald Reagan passed away today at the age of 93 - 30 odd years too late. I have seen some news reports crediting him with ending the cold war, and in a funny round-about way I suppose it is true. Everybody knew Reagan was insane - how could you not after he inserted his foot in his mouth at every opportunity. I still recall fondly the time he referred to Diana Spencer as "Princess David", and who could forget his hilarious quip that he was about to invade Russia - not realising that he was already on-air. Champagne comedy, but rather pathetic as leadership of the allegedly "free world." Reagans' senile dementia was common knowledge (he was the oldest man ever to be elected President), but when you add to this his well documented lifelong hatred of communism, and a belief that Russia was literally a tool of Satan, it wasn't that hard to imagine Nuclear Holocaust was only one tremor of Rons' gnarled old fingers away. Gorbachev knew a loony when he saw one, and between Reagan, and the collapse of communism in Eastern Europe, the Soviets gave up the Cold War for what it was - a bizarre historical anachronism. If Reagan had been in full control of his mental faculties, Gorby might not have abandoned the Good Ship Cold War as early as he did.
Let us not forget that Reagan forbade the Surgeon General from even uttering the word "AIDS" until 1986 - five years after the disease was first reported in the US. He saw AIDS as Gods punishment for homosexuality. Homosexuals who saw Reagan as Gods punishment for homosexuality were closer to the mark.
We should also remember Ron for his part in the "Iran Contra" scandal where Reagan minions Oliver North and John Poindexter sold weapons to the despotic Iranian government, and gave the proceeds to Nicaraguan Contra guerilla group. Reagan also spent zillions on fighting the war against drugs when his own CIA was busy inventing and marketing what was then a completely new form of cocaine - "Crack". You probably realise that you can know a lot about a person by looking at who his friends were. It speaks volumes that Reagans' vice president was none other than George Bush (senior).
Ron was also a fiscal disaster, tripling the national debt (a feat which has now been beaten decisively by Bush Jr.). Reaganomics gutted the poor, and redistributed their wealth to the rich in a way that was almost clinical. When people ask me the difference between old-school fascists like "Il Duce" (that's Mussolini for my slow witted readers) and the new school ones like George "Il Douche" Bush. The simplest way I can describe it is: fascists before Reagan had heavy corporate sponsorship. Reagan was the first to be a wholly owned subsidiary of a multi-national corporation (G.E. in this particular case). Every fascist since has followed his lead, although most multinationals tend to time-share their puppet presidents now-days - it's more cost effective and gives you greater plausible deniability.
Good riddance Rotten Ronny Reagan. I pray that the poor innocent worms feasting upon your polyp ridden corpse don't choke to death on your foul flesh. (And Sir Jo: you're next).
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